i tried writing, sleeping, screaming, listening, drawing. yea i know; no hurting. but it still doesnt go away. i think i've held it in too long. i really dont understand cause i think i've been through alot nd its too much. i think i went through so much for a person my age. maybe some people dont think so. do i really deserve all this fucking shit. i guess i do for being a bad person. nevermind, im just very screwed nd definately fucked up. today, i just showed alot of people how weak debbie is. i never cried in school like this. i was really surprised. it was anna who was there for me. like, it was anna who came to the toilet with me when i needed to. she lent me her shoulder nd her ears. it was like uncontrollable i just burst out like that. she gave me this really long talk. but i still cant really take in all the words she said. i just cant believe it. i cant believe what happened. i cant believe i broke down in the scgs sec1 toilet which is like public. i thought that i would never cry like this in public. i always thought i was strong, i always cry at home only when these stuff happen. but i guess i just couldnt hold it any longer. before that, charlotte & sandra & jovel & jiyin & michelle & anna & i were all practicing for the class talentime thingy which is next friday. nd im sorry cause i just really couldnt concentrate. my head felt like it was stuffed with things. i just felt like ripping my brain out. i kept on pinching nd pulling my skin on my left arm cause i really felt like just tearing my skin nd dig out my bones. i know ya'll are in a rush to finish the steps nd everything. but i tried the hardest to concentrate but i really just couldnt. so i guess ya'll have every right to be pissed nd mad at me. it wouldnt affect me, cause im already starting to feel the hatred for myself. i felt so worthless nd useless at that time. probably now still. i already wanted to try nd learn the steps everytime i wanted to i always felt as if there was something nd i couldnt concentrate. halfway through, i just bursted out im going to the toilet. i already could feel my head becoming hot nd the stupid tears in my dumb eyes. then i went ohmygod while halfway reaching the toilet cause i really couldnt hold in it any longer nd i put my hands to cover my stupid face. anna went, just fuck it just fuck everything just let it all out. then at that moment i felt like this scary feeling there was a million emotions i couldnt take it i hated the feeling. then my tears just came out like non stop nd i knew i looked like a complete idiot, my face was all red. it was anna who was actually there for me, who lent me her shoulder. really, thanks anna it really did mean alot to me. i was surprised that it would be you. i guess i had always thought it would have been one of them. true friends? no shit there was no such thing. but it was actually anna. thanks a lot anna, i seriously wouldnt know what would happen if you werent there. later on, i just realised that i havent really got any real true friends that you can actually trust except for maybe one or two. i guess its because i pick nd choose nd maybe its the front i go for. anna really knocked alot of sense into my head today. well then, i've just got alot of thinking to do tonight. i really have no fucking mood to go to school. whats the point? to show people that im all weak again. no way. nevermind nobody would understand, its as if im against the whole bloody world alone. cause nobody would know. they all wont know. nd to make things better, thanks joan for rubbing it in when i actually went up to the stupid table to go try learning the steps again. what you said, were really harsh nd hurtful. maybe not to you. yes i know you said i was uncooperative, you said i was un-enthu, nd you said i argue with charlotte. just hang on a second nd let me recall, did i? i dont think so. yes, i know you like charlotte alot nd i bet you hold things against me, that doesnt mean you could say all that. yes i know i was acting like a total fucking bastardly bitch. but do you understand joan? no so please keep your mouth shut. i really wanted to shoot my trap at you, but i realised that you just dont understand nd you probably dont wanna understand but you know what you dont have to nd dont need to cause yes, i know what for? you hate me its alright. yes its none of your business. but i seriously thought your behaviour towards me was just atrocious today. i just let it pass cause i knew there was no use. argh, why am i even wasting my breathe on you. nevermind. nobody will understand nobody can. they wont know. its alright.

1 anna & jiyin both of you were there thanks loads esp to anna
2 sarah chan & rachel for being concerned but really nothing can help
3 caritus i saw what you wrote to me thanks
4 sandra for that little bit

i dont even know why im so.. kablah about it. i dont think i should make a big fuss about it. i mean, hello there are other people who deserves sympathy not me. yea i dont deserve anything. i feel like some shit when i post this. yes im frightened. im a freaking bitch what the hell. the whole day nd prolly for a few more days i feel like a pathetic loser-ish freak. when i got home i burst out 6 more times. what the hell is wrong.

let's just say this is only half of the whole fucked up situation.

yes, no doubt am i scared nd insecure to post this entry.